Sep 19, 2008

Closing Doors

* This will be a very very long post but the main point will test you to see if you're willing to "close some doors" like how an article made me see.

Some of you may have known that I'm considering between staying or going. Read an interesting article some time ago, talked about an experiment conducted on uni students. Its a game that has closing doors, and it emulates real life. The experiment, conducted using computers, are actually paying the students real money on the amount of doors they manage to keep open by the end of each round. After a couple of rounds most doors closes faster than ever and its up to the students how many doors they can "rescue".

It actually showed almost all the students who took part in the game lose money. They attempt to keep "doomed" doors open and losing out on other doors. So what the fuck am I talking about? And what do the doors represent? The things that you possess or have surrounding your life right now. A person's career, business opportunities, friends, adaptivity to certain place, favorite things, etc. Its basically all the things you are comfortable with, things that makes you feel good about life, and feel at lost without one of them. Things that money really can't buy. The whole article was about the willingness to give up some things in your current life, in order to explore other new opportunities.

Sacrifice. I believe almost everyone, including me, will be in a dilemma when are asked to close a few essential doors of our life. As far as I know, for almost the whole day today I've been trying to reach a decision and I summed it up to near 100%.


Door 1: Carefree life
When I left for college, I was really happy. Total freedom, hey, which 16 or 17 year old wouldn't wanna be living alone away from naggy people? Evaluating this door, right now it doesn't make any difference if I close it. Because I can re-open it when the time is right. But closing it, sister tends to get naggy, parents are getting naggier the older they get. How many of you can stand people nagging at you? Don't start bullshitting and say "I can, 100%". No one likes to be controlled, we just wish we can do our things anytime we want, anyhow we like. This door will definitely stay closed whenever I have family members around me. But that is another door to talk about later on.

Door 2: Friends
This is a very hard part. All the wonderful people I've met and known through out the 9 years living alone here. From college, to ex-colleagues, to random shop owners that became friends after frequenting the shop very often. College bunch have always been my main kaki. Ex-colleagues, I still keep in touch with most of them, catching up with lunch & movies when I'm free. Shop owners, from Chris (PC) to Kelvin (tatts) to some random coffeeshop/cafe/pub owners that I still drop by once in a while. I know one thing is I probably won't see most of them again for a very long time if I start packing. We're no longer in college or on holidays, everyone have their own schedule.

It will be like starting all over again, at my very own home state, which will seem to me like a totally new state once I close this door. A door that represents being able to hang out and see this people to catch up with stuffs around us. The people I know in Kuching, is less than what our fingers can count (those with 11 fingers not included). I can make new friends, but its hard to replace and not to recall the time you spent with people you've known for 5-6 years or the whole 9 years. And for the time when they were there for you, closing the door is as hard as unwillingly not returning a big debt. The longer you know them, the harder it is to close this door of your life.

Yeah there's the internet. But internet means shit to the time you spend with them, even for a short 1 hour lunch.

Door 3: Location
I have loved Subang and called it "home" for 9 long years. People here are just so happy-go-lucky (like my Golf-Swing-Practice-At-7-am neighbour) and another reason is how fast I adapted to the lifestyle here. It was more to hectic nightlife during college time, and then the convenience of getting the stuffs I need. Where everything starts; the people you know, the life you lead, etc. I've grown too comfortable with this place (although the road here sucks). Or else why would I even take the hassle to move back all the way from Sri Kembangan? Definitely hard to pack a bag and just walk away from a place I've been in for almost a decade.


Door 1: $$$$$$$$
Pfft. I admire people who can save up. I do because I rarely save up, as my lifestyle tends to follow the amount I get paid, which is a bad thing. Walking around with no idea what to buy, I have a bad habit of picking up stuffs I "think I need" without looking at the price tag. Especially hand tools and computer stuffs. Back there, they are still trying to convince me its a less "merry" lifestyle and not very high cost of living. I don't know, I am not aware at all of the situation there. As far as I know I don't have the tendency to drink like last time ever since I started work so I guess less nightlife for me.

Fuck, I wouldn't wanna still be sitting in someone else's office anywhere near 35 years old. Counting from now there's only 10 years, and I hope I can make the most out of it so I can reopen the first door I will close; freedom. And no, I don't do multi-level marketing, no thank you. Which way to go, I have a couple of ideas but I'm mostly a person who takes what tomorrow brings and leave yesterday behind irregardless its a good yesterday or a bad one.

Door 2: Family
Looking back, I probably only spend about 3 weeks with them every year. Chinese New Year that is. They're not getting any younger now when their size starts to shrink and hair getting thinner. I've never celebrated my nieces' birthday ever. Nor my parents' & my sister's for the past 9 years. Tho as much as they nag, they have been very supportive all the time as I've seen and heard some friends coming from very bad family background as in conflicts and stuffs. When I start to think about this door, its probably best to close the hardest door right now; friends, just to spend enough time with the old ones. You never know when their time is up when they're in late 50s. Well, I miss home-cooked food too heh. Return of the prodigal son?

I'm supposed to be asleep by now after only 4 hours of sleep in the previous day. Physically I'm worn out, mentally it just doesn't wanna stop. Sometimes I really feel its a curse to have a brain like this rather than a gift. Sitting in front of the PC with music playing, smoking, and looking at a static screen. Some may think I'm stoned, but people who know me knows when I stare at blank nothings, thats when I have something to really ponder. Sooner or later I will get another job with the pay I want, the pay I leave the old job for. But what's the point of still being stubborn when I can cleary see I'm getting nowhere at here.

What the future may hold for me, what the new doors will open up and lead to, I can never tell you right now until I am actually there for some time. But I do know closing those 3 essential doors will be very hard for a stubborn one like me and wasn't sure if I can bring myself to do it. Until about 3am, before dozing off for an hour, for once I feel less temperamental and destructive in this very uncontrolled life. I WILL close the doors instead of chasing in vain like the students. Even if I get a job very soon, I won't linger around here longer than a year. The voice in my head speaks clearly on this issue for once after these 2-3 months.

"Its time to go home, son."

Can you close your doors?



Blogger Yap Chee Hong said...

*just passing by too...*
nicely written......

September 19, 2008 5:31 AM  
Blogger Cathy said...

Or maybe you can still continue to work..
Just go home as often as possible???
and do save up AC!!!

September 19, 2008 12:10 PM  
Blogger Ai-Ling said...

a very different post from your previous ones indeed. whatever it is, keep writing / drawing :)

September 19, 2008 1:56 PM  

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