No Photo? No Problem.

Sometimes when you go for interviews they'll ask you to bring 2 passport photos. I mean, come on, not that I'm 100% sure I'm gonna get the job, or worse, 100% sure I WANT the job. What do they need the photo for? You see me in real life when I walk in. WORSE, once they hire you they'll ask for another 2 photos for your employee ID card. What happened to the previous 2? Buried in between crossroad to make a deal with the devil under my alias along with that photostated copy of my IC and even my previous payslips? Usually I'm not really bothered with passport photos. Hey, not cheap ok and I don't really like taking photos alright?

So that day some lady call me to go for this bank's interview, they're setting up a new division. Feels like shit when you have to go back to the shitty brown colored building that you used to walk in for 10 months during your 2nd job. Its like a short introductory stuff but the hiring manager will decide you suit this blablabla department and then if there'll be a 2nd interview blablabla. They told me earlier in the email to bring 2 photos. Got none, not gonna get none. Off I went and fuckin A... there's a box on the form asking me to attach my fuckface on it. So fuck it...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Oh hi there! Is you Madonna?

Yes, I have a square face with a killer smile and the words "Attach Photograph Here" tattooed on my forehead. Now have a fuckin nice day and weekend... fuckfaces.

Ah Boy's Sex Lesson

Was in Innit for a while yesterday night. Conversation somehow turned a bit to the senget side after a while. There was "facial protein treatment", slow and steady, forgotten one night stand, P.E (not Physical Education, its Permanent Erection), etc etc. Today I tell you about guy's sexual journey according to speed. Very simple, we use movies for example.

First, if you don't watch porn you memang abnormal for a guy. Its the "foundation" for the first time you know? If my future son don't watch porn I'll be scared. Scared his first time he don't even know he's poking at the girlfriend's belly button and keep on trying to get it in. Later charged for manslaughter how? You know those porn lah, all humping like rabbits one. Here is an introduction from a guy's first time until understanding the difference between sex and making love (at least this ability to create flowchart show I didn't waste my college fees).

OK. First time, noobs will skip the order of the movie a bit. Jump straight to the 2nd movie, 2 Fast 2 Furious. At this stage, they will blow either their gearbox or their engine before reaching the finishing line. Ah, something like the 20 Yatz Thunderbolt.

"Haven't finish already blow engine"

Next they will learn the history, they go and "buy the prequel". They start doing it The Fast and The Furious or FnF for short. Now, no more blown engine or gearbox or fried piston rings and manage to get to finishing line in very fast time. In between some nitrous are also injected to enhance speed.



With more experience, they start to be like the third movie, Tokyo Drift. In straight line they pick up speed but learn to slow down as well. Learn when to pull the handbrake and using the brakes at certain times, do fancy fancy drifts and not normal turns that make the girls go wow.

Finally when they finish all 3 movies and don't fancy racing anymore, they opt for a muscle car. Slow and steady or SnS. This final stage take very long at first, then halfway start picking up steam, reach destination safely, and the lady will heave a sigh of relief at the end of the safe journey. See ah, this is why Shar (Racoon) is correct when she said 'slow and steady win the race'. You all watched Nicholas Cage's Gone In 60 Seconds right? Then you know this Mustang below is called Eleanor. Mustangs are muscle cars, unlike Japanese tuners (Evo lah, RX8 lah, Supra lah, GTR-R34 lah).

See ah, guys who reach the SnS stage usually are like muscle cars more. They got not much pick up when starting, unlike tuners that can start off the race very fast. But halfway through a drag race, the muscle car got only 1 word to win a race: TORQUE. Like what my friend Kean Wee last time said "Mei kok che tou la mei kui geh torque tai lan yao lek jor pin tou joi dou?" or "American muscles when it reach quite far its torque is too powerful where can chase?".

But then, some people after they finish all 3 movies, they don't get to the SnS stage. They end up wanting more horsepower, more torque, more giant NOS tanks in their backseat. The girl end up a nympho and the guy a sex addict in simpler terms. That one, we'll refer to a new movie.

Racing for freedom with the aim to kill. Hai lat lorrrrrrrrrrr.

P/S: No, the blog owner never started with 2F2F and didn't blew his engine before reaching the finishing line.

War 101: 100% Win

Today's lesson is how to win at wars. Hah, you think solely bringing in tua kong weapons and technology can win? Can, but we need to modify the current technology to outwit the enemies. Don't tell me you really think guerilla warfare and desert warfare can use the same tactic? Here are 6 ways to get a 100% sure win result when your country goes to war. But if your army got tapau then don't blame me.

Now who wanna hire me as tactical advisor?


Off topic: Why are some people so afraid of their own name?

Murder 101: Simple Weapons

Today limpeh teach you how to lam or kill someone with very simple weapons. No need buy advanced weapons or anything that will attract cops. Want to kill from distance? No problem. These are 5 very advanced methods of killing. Practice hard to master them. I don't guarantee insurance for you.

credits to celestialshivo

Enjoy your new-found powah!

Girls 101: Tackling Them

Just now in INNIT blogger Cycorn asked for someone to do a How To Tackle Girls post. Since I'm a very free man. Today limpeh teach you how to sien cheo bu ok? These tips gerenti can work on all types of girls. My 5 very very powderful tips... and 1 secret tactic to tackling girls.

OK, if these 5 don't work, now use this final attempt, ultimatest, powderfullest, hardcorestest, certified solution to win her over:

Now go tackle your love, you wussie.

Fashion Guide: Work Attire

Super Thick Issue... 14 comic strip + 1 photo + 1 off topic. Don't like formal dressing everyday in the office? Or restricted to jeans and polo-tee even working for a company that doesn't require formal attire? No worries, today lim peh teach you how to dress differently than your colleagues (pick a style you like). Don't be scared, different but you can still convince your boss you got good qualities and work ethics. You know, those bullshit you put in your resume like creative, punctual etc etc just to get the job?

Off Topic 1: Benjicajess Spotted At Giant SG.
(Link: The sPOMtaneous Post)

Off Topic 2: None Of You All's Business

Toilet Ethics: Pee Like Em'

You wanna be famous? Yes? Cheh, how can you be famous before you have your own trademark? Like peeing style. OK, today limpeh teach you toilet ethics. Off the records, these are tricks shared with me by famous characters/people. Hollywood one OK? Not Bollywood. Today I teach you all how to pee with style like these 7 famous people. Training, you handle yourself.

THE END

Note: This is another copy-title post pact between me, JunJunRiko, Nath, Sherry, and Sue