8 hours before my flight. Surprisingly, I don't have any heavy feelings in me about leaving this place after 9.5 years. 3 years ago when I had to move to Cyberjaya for the first job, I hated the thoughts of leaving Subang and the old life behind, friends, activities. Now, I have to admit I don't really wonder 'when will I see them again?', not for the past few nights not even tonight. Something in me tells me it will be soon. I don't miss a single thing at all. Heck knows what went haywire in me lately, it seems like I'm done with everything here (except you people of course).
I feel really lost after being out of job for a year. Today while having lunch with Anna & Rod, Anna asked me what do I think of / how do I view life as. The honest answer came out from my mouth; I have no idea. Ask me that a year or two ago, I'll have a definite answer. Sure, I did a lot of things that I never did before especially Muay Thai that tops the list after delaying for about 7-8 years. What's more important is during this one year, I get to ponder and change a lot of views on a lot of things. Religions, the rat race, money vs time, living, friends, family, and myself.
Moolah. Yes, we all need money badly at times, we need money to survive. But I no longer view myself as being neccessarily and solely living just to be a money-drone. Observing people who are close to me and who I've known for years, I see them work their asses off. For? Paying off their bank loans. Yeah, grand car, big house, but meaningless life. I'd rather settle for medium car, medium house, meaningful life. Call it unambitious or whatever, its how I perceive things as it is right now.
Friends. A lot stood by me during hard times, offering help and stuffs. Probably just to have me linger longer at this place hahahaha. Its not hard for us to warm up to new people, but its hard to find trustworthy ones. I'm lucky in this sector. Very lucky indeed. Some friends still remember who I am, what I am, and turn up to have a farewell lunch/dinner/supper with me with just a text although we haven't kept in touch for years. I can say that those I kept close to myself are not using me and are sincere friends. If you've known me long enough ask yourself what can they use me for? Money? I got none all the way. Talent? If that includes designing name cards that is as simple as breathing, you can chalk it off. Other benefits? None either, except I'll make you laugh that's all. Though I don't get to see a lot of people due to time and transportation restriction, I'm still happy I meet up with a couple of familiar faces within the last 2-3 days. Anna, Rod, Jen Ai, Teck Weng, Cathy, Yap, Jake, David, Tuck Mun, Chris, Han, Jun, Jason etc.
Family. I don't know, I'm still at lost with this issue. One nags because she thinks you're 6 years old instead of 26, the other thinks he's Mr. Right all the time. No one will loath going back to their own home more than me because of this. Like I told some of you; even before I get into a muay thai boxing ring, I will get my first KO from being nagged. They just don't trust me, simple as that. It pisses me off a lot as well when they start being negative about the things I do or wanna do and starts comparing. What, do they really expect people in this century to really go ahead with the advice "study hard, get a good job, work hard, have a family, retire"? Or do they forget to mention the very last one? "Die and rot?". I'll just be back home for a week before shifting to Kuching to stay with my sis, who herself is having shit loads of problems as well. Not to mention how my presence will affect her life.
Career. Whatever man, not giving 2 pieces of rat's ass about it. Gimme an offer and I'll take it for the mean time. Of course I am still thinking of doing Muay Thai full time. The problem is finding a source that can/will fork out 3 to 4 grand a month for training, accomodation and food in Thailand. And stop asking me if I'm not afraid of being kicked/punched/elbowed/kneed. Its as stupid as asking me if it hurts when I get my tatts. OF COURSE! Internal injuries, serious life threatening injuries? Hello? I fully understand the risks and dangers of contact sports especially fighting, but when you love something that much, you naturally accept it as 'part of the job'. Not that hard to imbue that line in me. For maybe a year or so I'll glue my ass to an office chair, pretending my future boss is the best thing since Wikipedia, my future job is as awesome as Hugh Heffner's, and as if my then-pay can bribe the whole parliament. Once I get the money I need to test myself out in Thailand, I'll bail. On the next flight out to Sinbi's a.s.a.p.
Andrea. Where should I start on this one? You'd be surprised if you do a search and see I still write about her a couple of times after 5 years. I don't regret my actions cos I know I'll learn if it leads to something bad. Too headstrong you see. I admit I regret calling it off. I regret not keeping my words to you. I wish I can see you one time before my flight although I know it won't happen. Its not easy at all to find someone to replace you, and what you can make me feel. Its pretty damn near impossible. 5 years and none fits your shoes. I don't know where you are right now, and Ee Leng will not be able to make you talk to me again. Probably its the right time for me to let it all go. The stuffs you wrote and the things you gave, I'll still keep them. But it won't be easy to forget you especially when I really am thinking of you at times. Goodbye, Andrea Yeo. You can easily find someone better than me, and just know that its not the same case on my side.
Its really a confusing time for me. A testing time and when I should dig deep and probably do some soul-searching (takes a mirror and starts talking to ownself). Out of a Muay Thai gym to train back in Sarawak, I don't know if I can even tame the temper before I break something on the wall. So now, I really can't live in denial and willingly accept the fact that I'm disillusioned with life. But I'll be fine. I won't turn emo overnight and start cutting myself after putting on eye shadow and black lipstick. That will be people I'd love to tie up their wrists, hang them hands up on a hook, and use them as a punching bag for practise.
I'll be just fine. So I feel. The conversation I had with Anna during high tea and then along with Rod during lunch changed something in me, one way or another. Only time will tell. For now, I'm signing out till I also don't know when. I don't wanna burden anyone with internet bills while I'm still "bumming". Not to mention, being in a crowded place, e.g. cyber cafe, is something I hate the most. And no, I don't need drugs to make me a screwed up person. Drugs.. pfft, only for weaklings who don't have the ability to screw themselves up naturally.
Till then... F you, its magic.
